Monday, December 24, 2007

'Twas the Night Before Cheese Mast

Pour yourself a nice hot ruddered bum, set up the kids with egg nog, throw another log on the fire and enjoy the spirit of a Southern Ocean Christmas aboard the Schooner Anne.

The Night Before Cheese Mast


'Twas the night before Cheese Mast, and there on the scow,
The lice were not stirring in her uni-brow.
Her net stockings were on, and revealed lots of hair,
Because no one stepped up, and donated some Nair.

Reid and Soanya were nestled, all snug in their bunks,
While she dreamt of Big Macs and of holding back chunks.
The absence of sex had made her such a wreck,
She thought about slicing that big vein in his neck.

When out on the topside there arose such a clatter,
Reid sprung from his bunk to see what was the matter;
To the upside down salad-bowl he speedily raced,
Over sprouts, under ivy - like a gazelle being chased.

The green tubes on the crests of the South Ocean swells,
Lit up the shrouds where the God carving dwells;
When what to his wandering eyes should he peep?
An Avon being pulled by denizens of the deep.

With a little wood driver who was too stoned to walk,
He knew in a moment that it must be Squawk.
More rapid than his ejaculations the sea creatures came,
Squawk whistled and shouted and called them by name.

"Now Ass Hat, now Douchebag, you Hovians en mass!
Hey Blog Ed, you fucktard, pull your head out your ass!
Reid's got bails of good shit! This'll be a great haul!
We'll take his whole dope stash, we'll leave him fuck all!"

As vomit of mung beans to windward do fly,
Right back in your face like a Three Stooges pie.
So down through the hole in the mainsail they flew,
Wishing they'd brought with them that special shampoo.

And then, in a twinkling, Reid heard on the deck
An ear shattering bouncing, like a child support check.
As he drew down his head, and was turning around,
Through the propane tank hatchway Squawk came with a bound.

Squawk was horny as hell, he was obviously lit,
He toked on a joint - said, “This is really good shit!”.
He looked down at Soanya lying there in her rack,
She looked like she'd seriously been hitting the crack.

She looked up at Squawk, with eyes of desire,
Squawk said, “What the hell? I might as well try her.”
Her body all bones from finger to tow,
And the beard of her clam was as long as they grow.

She reached out and took rigid Squawk in her hand,
You could tell from her breathing she yearned for Squawk more than land.
Her body had turned exact opposite of a jelly,
Her most prominent feature was her distended belly.

Squawk’s chubby was plump, as he slid under the covers,
Reid just glanced at them, crying, at the sight of these lovers!
A thrust of Squawks pelvis and a spank to her ass,
He tossed in a load from his balls made of brass.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He grabbed all the dope, then he turned to the jerk.
He said to the sailorman, “What are you looking at Shmuck?
“I just scored the first “Space Analogous Fuck”

He sprang to his dinghy, and took off without linger,
He turned with a smile and he gave Reid the finger.
Then Reid heard him say, as he hung down his head,
"This is a totally fucking ridiculous thread!"

The folks here at 100 Days of Hell wish you all a warm, safe, and most jovial of holidays.



(Posted earlier on Sailing Anarchy.)

8 comments:

MorningOatsTest said...

It looks like Reid might be gay:

There are so many issues about getting along with your crew.
Does each get a private room?
What if someone acts up or stops their duties?
What if someone wants to leave or dies?

What about massages? Can men massage each other?

Is the mission more important than any individual or yourself?

fred said...

1000 days of hell, the scam that will not end.

You have yet to prove many of the "truths" on this blog. Please start by refuting my contention that the collision did happen, and you have have no proof that it did not only vague inferrence from parties interested in not reporting it. While you are at that, also "prove" I am wrong that the artwork on the bowsprit became entangled in the lines (as anyone with a brain would predict is a probable outcome) after the collision, and it retention does NOT "prove" there was no collission as you contend.

Have a great Holiday!

fred said...

Morningtoasttest -

youknow as much about this voyage as these bloggers, based on your quality post. Please note there is one crewperson, who is female, and Reid and her are lovers. He is also a divorced father of one.

Sailflat said...

What??? Fred are you drunk or something? You are not making any sense... If you keep posting this inane drivel you will banned under the drunken genius posting inane drivel policy...

If you can sober up and send an email refuting our findings about the collision we would be happy to consider it. Even add it as an article refuting our position re: the collision on your behalf.

fred said...

Sailflat-

Find a way I can send it anonymously and I will. You guys are so unblanced I wouldn't trust you with my name.

You guys really must now know how this crap reds to the average person and sailor - you come off as scarily unblanced.

Sailflat said...

Unbalanced??? Can't imagine where you would get that idea... We only post the truth here... Sorry you don't like it.

-We welcome anyone to submit information that refutes anything found here.
-3 times we have retracted or corrected errors in what is posted here.
-We only post things that are confirmed through a 3rd party or from Reid's own statements.

There is an email address on the home page that you can send to. Either send in something of substance or go waste someone else's time.

LeLu said...

Dear Fred,

I know this is hard for you, but if you read the definition below realllllllllllllllllllllllllly slowly, it might make sense. I would also fully invite you to go on over to SA and read the whole thread. I didn't join (and still haven't posted) until page 74, because I wanted to see the pretty pictures too, but I figure those images might offend your delicate sensibilities.

I think it's only a matter of time before they can expose many more of the "truths". Reid is a consummate liar, and his blog/site team aren't far behind him.

Maybe Reid should have thought about the effects of fame (being under a microscope) before he sought it out. Before he made (inflated) claims about his life, he should have thought about how easy they were to (dis)prove. People who make shit choices and burn other people and abandon their children (and their responsibility to them) and fuck around with the truth tend to get burnt when the truth comes out.

Stop crying. Hug your puppy.

par·o·dy (pr-d) n. pl. par·o·dies
1.

a. A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule. See Synonyms of caricature.
b. The genre of literature comprising such works.
2. Something so bad as to be equivalent to intentional mockery; a travesty: The trial was a parody of justice.
3. Music The practice of reworking an already established composition, especially the incorporation into the Mass of material borrowed from other works, such as motets or madrigals.

tr.v. par·o·died, par·o·dy·ing, par·o·dies
To make a parody of. See Synonyms of imitate.

MorningOatsTest said...

Still, no one has addressed my questioning of Reid's gayness.

Why would he be curious about men massaging each other, if he is on a boat with a girl? Is Soanya really a man? Does Reid plan to go into flight in space upon his return, and want to know if he will be able to get his daily rubdown if only men are in the spaceship??

Please elaborate. Inquiring minds, 'n all that.

Vandalism and Fair Use

It seems that some energetic fans of Mr. Stowe have discovered this site and have a problem with it's content; All posts are welcome here whether you agree with this blog or not; however, nonsensical posts will be deleted.

We suggest you research the following terms: public figure, parody, and fair use.....and lighten up a bit, hey?