Monday, January 19, 2009

Cape Horn Rounding Plagued By Fan Participation

By CScow Associated Press
January 18, 2009. Greenwich, West Africa
Updated: 45 minutes ago

HMS Anne nearly completed today's 35 meter leg of the famed 1000 Days In Sight of Cape Horn endurance competition, amidst cheers of disappointed fans and tourists.

"It's been a tough, remarkably successful day", according to Sparky, Anne's chief winch switch wiring engineer. "The 800 pound test fishing line wrapped around Anne's prop and rudder enabled our Mahi steering system to perform flawlessly. The captain's sprout methane propulsion system also worked well, providing intermittent forward motion. Sure, each time Anne moves, something breaks, rips, melts, implodes, ferments, shreads, disolves, rots, rusts, evaporates, explodes, burns, tears, collides, or disrupts the captain's Muladhara chakra. But those are minor concerns. Our main problem today was the unexpected, on-site attention of loyal fans. We planned to easily log 46,000 miles by daybreak, propelled by 372 knot winds and 147 meter waves. However, given spectators, we were pretty much confined to navigating calmer wind and waves, logging travels within a 65 foot radius".

Fans enjoyed the festive Las Vegas atmosphere, including senior citizens who first heard of "1000 Days" as young grade school students and "just had to get in on this action". Edith Rand, recently touring South American bingo parlors, made a special effort to visit Cape Horn and bet on the deepwater enduro. "The action has been simply fantastic! This morning, I doubled my bets the moment I saw Anne's solar panels melt. Thought I had lost the whole month's Social Security check by noon, when a 45-foot albatross collided with the antique gimballed platform and Anne moved six inches. But sure enough, by late afternoon, the lady floating in the inner tube flashed her tits....a full two hours before Anne came within 20 meters of the finish line. BINGO! Jackpot!!. Screw sprout chakra!!! Tonight it's prime rib beef, buttered lobster, fried bacon cheese sticks, and a quart of tequila for this old gal!!!!".

Tourists aboard a chartered US Airways casino expressed mixed reactions to the excursion, with opinions varying along traditional partisan chakra lines.

Frequent floaters, such as one yacht salesman from Detroit, cited the airline's inequitable distribution of honey roasted peanuts as well as a general lack of alternative entertainment. "I tried to be polite, only asking the stewardess for peanuts after my stomach grumbled and Manipura solar plexus chakra had gone from yellow to azure. The stewardess bitch ignored me....continued telling passengers steps to take in the event of a land landing, whining about smoking only being allowed on the leeward wing, and so we haven't heard THAT speech 1000 times before. Meanwhile, those bastard armchair Admirals up in First Class ate all the damned honey roasted peanuts. Adding to misery, 16 hours into today's leg of the Cape competition, I strolled out to the windward wing to get some fresh air and play Shuffleboard. All they had was 'Void Ho And Go Seek', a game some world class dumbass electrician from Hoboken must have invented. 25,000 floater miles? For THIS? If this is how US Airways treats frequent floaters, I can only imagine service back in Bilge Class".

Several marine manufacturers and suppliers attended, in part to defend quality of products used in boats handmade for this and similar 1000 day events. "Sailormen buy or produce Optima Batteries expecting at least two trouble free years of continuous, dead-short winch switch power capacity, as advertised", noted an unidentified Optima Battery salesman. "Unfortunately, with these (multi-year) 1000 day events, consumers and gamblers lose track of time and may falsely assume our Optima failed earlier, possibly within the first year of constant dead-short use. That is simply not the case, as Anne clearly demonstrated over many decades of improper wiring".

Anne's former Danforth anchor was buried knee deep in Hudson River turd and jet engine parts and could not be reached for comment.

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